Control

I'm weird about having control.

I wanted to do everything for my wedding myself (which got me into trouble because people thought I was leaving them out on purpose), but I don't like planning family parties or dinners. The less involved I can be, the better.

I don't mind being in the passenger seat while someone else drives, but I don't like taking public transportation because I don't like having to conform to their schedule. I want to go where I want, when I want.

Sometimes I wish someone would plan me a surprise party, but the idea of letting someone else take the reigns on something so important to me makes me anxious. What if they do it wrong???

When someone invites me to plan something, I have a tendency to either take it over or completely back off, depending on whether or not the person in charge takes my suggestions.

I say "Let people live however they want! It's their life!" but when someone close to me isn't living up to their potential as I determine, it's so difficult to keep myself from telling them how to run their own life. They could be doing it so much better. (Like I'm really one to talk, but therein lies the irony.)

The thing I probably hate most, however, is when people tell me how to do my job. And there's no antithesis of this. I just hate it.

So what does this say about me? I like making decisions. I like getting things done. I often think that my way is the only right way, and I hate waiting around while other people dither. Just make the decision, and follow through.

However, I don't like getting involved if I can't be in charge. I don't want to have any responsibility placed on me if things fail. I get easily frustrated during group planning sessions. I also really, really don't like getting told what to do, especially by older men. (One time, Matt and I went with his dad and his brother to a shooting range, and I shot a couple of times, and then I wanted to sit and read my book while they finished. Some old man came up to me and said "You need to shoot more! Tell your husband to let you shoot!" I said, "I'm really fine, thanks" but I thought "How DARE you tell me what to do and how to live my life?? More irony since that's all I want to do for people sometimes.)

Maybe irony is the wrong word. It's really just hypocrisy. I am a person who is both flaky and controlling.

I just need things to always happen the way I want them to happen, but I don't want to necessarily be the one to make them happen. Is that too much to ask for?

This week, I am going to make a concerted effort to follow in the footsteps of my personal role model, the beautiful, powerful and emotionally damaged life-giver and benevolent ruler, Queen Elsa.

I'm going to try really, really hard to just let it go.